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Next door were home, so I knocked. Mr next door answered the door and I asked him what colour next door but ones rabbits were. 'Grey, ooh have you found it? Because we've been looking for it all day.'
'Yes' I said 'it's erm...well...headless'
'Ah'
'I'll leave you to give the news to next door but one.'

Kids were trying to move it with a plastic seaside spade when I got back into the garden. Sigh. What is it with kids and dead things?

Next day the headless bunny had gone. Mr Foxy left a present on the lawn. Thank you Mr Foxy for using my garden as a larder and a toilet. You are most welcome.

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Saturday came and at 3.09pm my phone rang. It was the Tesco delivery guy. He asked me where in Ellesmere Port was xxxxxxx Street as he couldn't find it in the A-Z. I told him it wasn't in EP but in Loughborough. He said in that case he was 'very sorry but he couldn't deliver my shopping.' I said that wasn't on as I wanted my dinner for Sunday.

Called Tesco customer services, got through straight away which makes a change. Asked them why they had sent my shopping to EP. Nice girl said my old address wasn't even listed anymore and couldn't understand why it had gone to the Heswall branch. So anyway she re-ordered and refunded me £10 after telling me it might take 2 weeks before the cost of the shopping that went on a mystery tour would be refunded. Shopping due to arrive between 11-1pm Sunday.

10.45 Tesco calls. My debit card refused payment. Aghhhh. Of course it did. Said amount went out yesterday you bafoons and was then refunded so they not likely to let same amount go out again are they?!!!
So I gave them another card to use.

12.50pm Tesco van turns up with my shopping.....all in plastic bags *sigh* and no haggis!! Order of 2 haggis had been substituted with 2 black pudding. I like black pudding but it's not exactly haggis, is it? Told the lady driver I wasn't having the black pudding so she took it off. Probably be 2 weeks before I get refund.

Then she askes me how many bags I have to recycle! I said 'Look, I didn't ask for bags, I opted out of bags.

And how can I have bags to recycle when the shopping is still in them?

Sunday dinner was yummy.

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TV turned off now and the pc is on (obviously)and I have so much to do. Ruby and Jim have another week off school and you can tell. Constant bickering! So I can't concentrate and for the first time ever (eldest is 21) I can't wait for school to begin. I just want my routine back.

I've spent two days waiting for RM to redeliver two parcels. These should have arrived on Wednesday and after no sign of them yesterday I called up the local office to be told that my man had called in sick that morning and they were short staffed and would try to deliver today. So another day waiting in and i'm still left wondering what happened on Wednesday if he wasn't sick til Thurs...

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Last court session awarded me custody (He gave in) and 50%. By March 31st Kev and I had found a house to rent in Loughborough with Ruby and Jim and Harriet came too and the boys stayed with their father because they both have jobs. I do miss the boys, but I speak to them by phone and net.

So how is life in Loughborough? Its fantastic. Kev is definetly my soulmate!

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So am I being greedy asking for 60%? Taking into consideration that he has sold 2 of the vehicles that we owned and had the 2k claimed from bank charges on our joint account. He has a pension which im not interested in and has been basically living here for free for over 12months while i've tried to cover everything with Income Support, Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit. He's still paying off debts at the reduced rate inspite of being in work. Which I will have to pay half of the outstanding amounts.

Having said all this, He has been very reasonable the last few weeks. Even paid for shopping and put money towards gas and electricity. And there is a reason for this.

You see after all the hassel he gave me over meeting K on the net and how I couldn't possibly know him properly,(It's been over 8yrs since I first became friends with him and 12mths since we met in person as more than a friend.)or have any real feelings for him, He has met a lady from Ghana. This relationship started at the beginning of November when she contacted him on a dating site and has progressed to talk of getting married. She is even coming here (Yes here, at our house!!!) to stay, arriving on 23rd and leaving on about the 2nd to return to London where she is supposed to have a flat and a job!

We are supposed to be going to my mother's for Christams Tea. However I did say that I thought it was a bit much for her to go. She would be made welcome, but I thought it was brave of her to come to Him and stay in the house with His X wife and children and don't think that tea with his X wife's family was appropriate. Thankfully he agreed.

Am I mad to let her stay? He would never let K into the house. I'm not a mean, nasty person (in spite of what He may say) but I do see this as an advantage that I can use in court if I need too. In the meantime, lets see how it goes with this woman who is 10yrs younger than me and who we (older children and I) think is after his money.

Ruby has just come out in chicken pox. Last day of school...ah well.

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He finally bought a new oven. Woo hoo roast dinners for everyone!!

He sent a cheque off for the mortgage, then promtly told me it would take us into the overdraft until I put money into the bank account. When I asked Him about paying me the money He's been ordered to pay, He muttered something about sorting tax credits. He says He feels hard done by because He's got to pay 2/3 of the mortgage, council tax and pay me £285 towards food and bills. I asked Him how He was going to cope after i'd left as He would have to pay for everything then. After a conversation with Him about the little ones and custody, He announced He wouldn't even be attending court to contest as the sooner I move out the better. Then He changed His mind and said He wouldn't contest if I took 50% instead of 60%. Nothing new here. He always changes His mind within 5 minutes.

I can hazard alot of assumptions here about what He may or may not be up too.

He's been chatting to a lady from Ghana, who contacted Him via a dating site. She's informed him that she has a flat in London and a job, but is at home at the moment looking after her sick mother. My assumption here is that He's probably already sent her money for her mother's hospital bills and is now looking to either fly over to Ghana to meet her in person or have her fly over here. I think He'll fly over there and this is why He's quibbling over 10%.

I expect He reads this blog.

Meanwhile K and I are closer than ever. Even with the miles inbetween us. He has booked a hotel in Chester for 3 nights early in the new year for the four of us (2 little ones) and the aim will be to spend some more time with the little ones and meet my parents.
He sent an absolutely wonderful present for my birthday yesterday. A special limited edition of The Children of Hurin by Tolkien.I was speechless.

On a lighter note, Jim said he wanted to be a zombie when he grows up.I explained that this wasn't possible so he asked if he could have one as a pet as Micheal Jackson has lots.

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The week has been good. He has met someone from Ghana on the internet and this means he's in a good mood and too busy chatting to her to annoy me. He's even appologised for His payments being late. Still waiting though.............

K sent me some poems. He always sends poetry and I love it. K even sent me a 'Thinking of you card' which brought a tear. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I was hoping that my cousin would drive the little ones and myself down to Loughborough for the day this Saturday, but she may be working. I haven't seen him since August and it doesn't look like we'll have a chance of seeing each other until after New Year.

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Take for instance court last month where we spent over 4 hours sat in rooms while our barrister's negotiated until finally we agreed on something. Then we went before the Judge where everything we agreed on was repeated by my barrister and His barrister agreed that his client agreed and then the Judge agreed. You get the gist?
What did we agree on? Well He is to pay 2/3 of the mortgage and the council tax (currently I get these paid for being on income support) and I continue to pay 1/3 of the mortgage. He is to pay £285 into my account on the 1st of the month. This is £200 for food and £85 towards household bills.
Needless to say He hasn't paid anything and says He didnt agree to it. He did suggest I give him my shopping reciepts and then He would give me cash for half. This is because he thinks I don't spend £100+ per week on food/groceries. Well I would like to see him shop for seven for a week and see how much it comes too!

I didn't really expect Him to pay anything. Why should He change now just because of a court order.

In the meantime He's mad at me because I've asked for 60% (instead of the original 50% if the house was sold)seeing as He is going to buy me out. No selling expenses and the amount outstanding on current mortgage goes down every month. Also with the three elder children (all over 17 years) staying here at the house, I can't very well take all the furniture and leave them with nothing. Does 60% seem reasonable? Seeing as He also had all the cash from bank charges from our joint account that we won back (2.5k) and He hasn't paid anything towards food/house/bills since He moved back into the house last November.
Also got to take into account that once He's paid me I won't be able to claim income support anymore, will have to rent a house until i've found work and and bought a house. Argggggghhhh.

Social services finally phoned after a year of waiting. I told the guy who called that he was a bit late, updated him on the past year and told him I was going for residency. He told me there would be no problem with me getting custody and moving and they would write this in their report when CAFCASS get in touch with them.

Jake bought me flowers yesterday. He hasn't been the nicest of teenagers for a few days and it was his way of saying sorry. I said the flowers were great, however that fact that he'd noticed he'd been a pain in the arse was even better.

It's also October, which means Harriet is having her 'low' at the moment and this doesn't bode well for any of us. She has been to the Drs to ask for help.

I suppose I should go clean up the breakfast mess.........

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Felt a twinge in my chest yesterday coming home from school. I can really do without being laid up with this reoccuring pleurisy. That's what the doc's are calling it. I had a severe pain in the left side of my chest last March and was unable to move or breathe properly. Antibiotics,anti inflams, x-rays and a whole day spent in casualty having heart tests and a lung scan and they came up with was a shadow on my lung. 'A reoccurring infection is most likely to be what it is' I was told. 'Probably pleurisy.' Luckily I can sense when it might flare up and take some anti inflams to stop it in it's track. His smoking in the house doesn't help. But then He isn't bothered about anyone's health nevermind mine.

Maybe I have the winter blues early this year. Or maybe i'm just getting old and my brain and body are no longer in sync with each other. Going to try and give myself a kick up the backside and get something done today.

If you read this K I love you

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With so much to do why am I doing nothing? Sure I do the usually daily mundane things, you know the ones, little one's to school, washing up, washing clothes, cleaning up etc, but what about packing and throwing out the crap I don't/won't need.

I haven't sold anything since July. Mainly because any added income while on Income Support can be a problem especially as K already transfers money into my bank account every month to cover my mobile, landline and broadband expenses.(These are our only means of daily contact whilst i'm still up here in Cheshire and he's in Loughborough.) He(the X) has already tried to use that against me, but as K pays for luxuries and not necessities it didn't work. Last card I made was for Jake's birthday at the beginning of the month. Having said that, I have been cutting recycled material into various sized squares in preparation for the bags I intend to sew. This is a slow process and is usually done while K and I watch a dvd together.Of course I watch on my pc and he watches on his. It also means when we finally move in together we'll have two copies of most of the movies we like.
Thing is I look at what needs doing in thts house and have to stop myself. After all i'll be leaving so decorating and fixing up the house is not something I should be thinking about. That doesn't mean i'm not thinking about the new house, I am, but it's hard to dream or picture a new house till it's actually been found.

*note to: self I must get some more boxes*

The little one's are having their school photo taken today. The result should be interesting as Ruby always seems to have 'messy hair' and Jim insists on having his shirt hanging out. And talking of kids and pictures, He asked me to turn my web cam around 'when it's not on' as He 'feels uneasy that someone can see the children'. Well if it's not on then no one can see anything and the only one who could possibly see anything when it's on is K and he'll be living with children and me soon. The cam is focused on my chair where I sit and not the rest of the room. It's not as if K hasn't met the children either. We've spent several long weekends with him. I should note here that He has broken several web cams over the last 18months (along with several mobile chargers - but thats another tale.)

Harriet is still in bed. She should be in work but didn't get up. She didn't go to bed Sunday night and went into work on Monday. SO she was obviously tired last night. Still she's an adult now and nothing I can say is going to change her way of living. Needless to say after spending more than 18mths away from home she has not changed one bit.

A large letter has arrived for Him this morning. I expect it's relating to his remortgaging the house to be able to buy me out. I'm not seeing my solicitor for another week.

It will be three years next month since I initiated divorce proceedings........says it all really.

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The past year has kept me busy. That and the fact the He(the X) found this blog and made an account using a name my boyfriend uses and invited me to be a friend. Obviously I checked with K first as it's unusual for him to blog. Who knows what the motives were behind this. Anyway, blog stalking is mild compared to the other things He got up to.
For instance, He took the foam bit off my mic and stuck sellotape over the hole and put the foam bit back on. This made my speech extremely muffled until I worked out what He had done. He also took to removing my hard drive and connecting it to his pc copied over alot of files. Some things went missing from my pc, which is password protected. I'm not sure what He was looking for, but I do believe they were deleted by accident. Probably while trying to copy and paste. Only thing that miffed me about this was two weeks of research that disappeared.

Anyway, yes we are still in the same house. Divorce absolute came through at the end of January. And He hasn't paid anything towards house/bills etc since he moved back into the house in the beginning of November last year.
He tried to get residency of our three youngest, but the judge did not think His reasons(apparently i'm in severe debt and i'm strange) were valid. I did however have to make the court a promise not to leave the area for the time being.
In court this month but judge said she couldn't make a decision until one of us had custody.
Basically I want to move to be with K and will take the two youngest and whoever else wants to go with me. I offered a 50/50 split after selling the house. But if I couldnt get permission from court to move i'd have to go for the house.
In court he offered me 60% if I left without the two little ones. Obviously my reply was a no.
Now i'm left with the option of going for custody.
On a good note He now has to pay half the bills and £200 a month for food for the kids. And He is saying that He won't protest to my leaving the area and I don't need to go for custody. (That's enough on the 'C' word as i'm not supposed to talk about it)

Looking for a house to rent in Loughborough, preferbly unfurnished with 4 bedrooms and a garden, but I can make do with 3 bedrooms. If anyone knows of anything in the LE11 area let me know
Also I want to buy a VW Camper but that will have to wait until He's bought me out.
I really can't wait to move out of here.

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I cant say i'll be sorry to see this year go. Its been a nightmare of a year and im not looking forward to 2006.

Well, I wish you all a better year and hope you all get to fullfill those things often talked or dreamt about, but never seems to materialize.
Don't make resolutions. Just aim for little things each day.

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Didn't put tree up till 9pm

I've had a few to drink Friends are pming me on MSN asking about me and Him and I dont want to talk about it. They have no idea whats been going on.

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Bah Humbug!

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Well i've been busy lately. I was asked to moderate the forums for a beta MMORG game that I play, and so I accepted. Hehe feel the power of the delete button. Actually it's not new to me as I have my own game clan forums that I run on my site, and I have moderated on a few other forums in the past.
Anyhow it didnt take long before the forum pm's were coming in thick and fast. 'Can I be a moderator?' 'How did you get to be a mod?' You know the kind of thing. I reply with my usual wit. 'Don't ask me i'm not admin' and 'Apparently im popular' (that one comes back with a reply of 'damn it I know you are'.) Best pm so far was 'Thankyou for locking my thread'. Well thats a new one on me, they really did mean it like that and were not being sarcastic.

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Little ones had their nativity today. Ruby was Mary, and played the part very well. But towards the end all her gusto was disappearing and it was looking more like a post natal depression. Jim, who was an angel (aww bless) clamped his jaw shut and refused to sing. Everytime I caught his eye he'd mouth 'No' and if I joined in with singing he looked like he was going to throw a wobbler. So avoided looking at him for the rest of the performance.

I'm not in the xmas spirit. Ah well it will soon be here and gone.

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i am so sorry in the delay in posting your item but we have had a sudden death in our family and as you would expect we have not been on the computer .... i will post it 1st class tomorrow (wed)

so sorry in the delay

Hmmm, not sure what to think. Anyhow it should arrive on Thursday morning.

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One of my dearest friends H was forty and deceided to celebrate with a bash at her house. (Not even going to go into my birthday the week before and lack of celebrations.)

I dressed casual and chose a handbag that was long enough to place a nice bottle of red wine into (haha bad luck if you meet me down a dark alley) and made my way to the other side of town.

Anyhow I arrive at her house just after 7pm. Place was packed out already! To my surprise I knew almost everone (suspicous thoughts here) and really enjoyed myself.
H and I have known each other since we started high school together at the age of 11. So 5 yrs at school together and many more years of some terrible antics but funny times. We used to enjoy people watching and making comments. Like myself, H has never been shy with her words and as we have a sarcastic sense of humour, this has often produced some interesting effects over the years.

Well as we drank, (hmmm was quite alot) we started talking about thing things we got up to, much to my H's, mother's horror. We kept the party going with story after story about things we did or things one of us had said to someone. I haven't laughed so much in such a long time. My ribs are sore.I got home very late (or was it early?) I think everyone else went home with sore ribs too.

So today we were late getting up (not a hangover but I did feel so tired) but atleast no one was late for school.

My cousin E picked me up and we went to Abakhan in North Wales for the day. (Like I can afford to spend money - not) Oh bugger they got a sale on. 20% off all materials and 10% in the craft dept. Noooooo temtation.
Well I spent my birthday money on some gorgeous soft, slinky black fur fabric to make a throw and some cusion covers for my leather sofa, (which Jim punched holes into on one arm with a pen,when I hadn't even had it for 2 weeks) but I like the feel of it so much, I wrapped myself in it and had cuddles with the little ones when I got home.
Some flannelette with hand and feet print in primary colours for making jammies with.
Some cute little buttons, 2 new stamps (a penguin and a xmas tree - well I definetly needed a xmas tree) and 2 new punches (a maple style leaf and a cat)
All for less than £25 --- what a bargain.

Home to find He had cooked tea. (the little ones refused to eat it) I am sooo tired.

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For instance a few weeks ago Luke complained that Ruby had thrown a spoon at him. It had hit him right between the eyes. She denied this. I saw the funny side and so did He(hubby) and made some comments.
'Ah so you have been spooned?'
Sorry it's a bad joke I know and for those who don't get it here is the explaination. In the online gaming world many phrases are used, especially 'pwned' which actually means 'owned' (it was a typo in a MMORG and has stuck in the MMORG community)and is an expression we tend use alot in normal converstion here at home.
Anyhow this humour did not stand well with Luke who stomped off up the stairs. Jake came in the room to ask why we were being mean to Luke, was was apparently sulking. I repeated the 'spooned' thing and Jake fell about laughing.
This kind of thing is normal in our house. Jim just two nights ago bashed Ruby on the back of her head with his rainmaker toy/musical instrument. This resulted in her aquiring an extremely large lump and about as much pouting as she could muster.
I don't want you to think we are an aggresive family. I have never encouraged violence, never bought toy guns or knives (any bought as gifts went into the dustbin) for them to play with. They always made their own weapons with sticks anyway.
Bah kids.....

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Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

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And talking of this morning, Jim wouldnt get dressed. He said he wanted a pringle (having spied a tube of them). After much cajouling, I managed to talk him into getting dressed with shoes, coat on and lunchbox and bookbag in hand before I handed over one pringle. I also had to give Ruby one to 'make it fair'.

He took the children to school this morning so I have slummed it in my bathrobe all day, doing this and that.

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Life seems to be made up of if only's. Too many if you ask me. What if's are all to frequent too.

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I can't concentrate on anything, I can't sleep, if I lose any more weight I will just be skin and bones. I seem to be having a 'bad hair day' everyday! I'm feeling boxed in and alone.

My husband (soon to be X) left me a note. An invitation. He cordially invited me to bed. Haha in his dreams. I would rather have an acid bath. Needless to say I did not take him up on the offer and slept in my own bed.

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Today I did the shopping I wanted to do yesterday. Exhausted again..

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